THEY'RE REALLY JUST MY THOUGHTS

“Quinn, I think it would be most beneficial if you were to stay after class for supplementary voice lessons. “

“What are you saying?”

“If our choir group is to succeed— “

“No, wait, are you doing that thing again? Where you include themes from the movies we watch to spice up our sex life?  Rachel, we watched Sister Act 2. I thought it’d be safe from this. And besides, you said that movie was, and I quote, ‘absolutely ridiculous!’“

“A rag-tag team of misfits come together to form a singing group and are able to win a national show choir competition?! It’s completely absurd! Who is honestly going to believe that storyline?!”

“Actually, it sounds kind of familiar—“

“Well, regardless. That doesn’t mean I can’t incorporate it somehow. And plus, if I am going to be a Broadway star, I will have to fill an absurd role or two on my way to the top. This is excellent practice. Truly, though, I just saw it as the perfect opportunity to get back in your habit.“

“Not one of your better innuendos. And a person would have to know the name of the movie is Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit to get the reference.”

“What about, ‘I’ll teach you some scales and then scale your body’…?”

“Erm… You’ll work on those. But I’m down for the student/teacher thing. Let’s do this, Miss Berry. I bet with extra practice you can get me to hit the high notes.”

Brody Weston entered his floor’s co-ed bathroom early on a Saturday morning to the sound of a shower being turned off.

Not giving it a second thought, he made his way to an empty shower stall. He was pulling aside the curtain when a short (very attractive) brunette, wrapped in a towel with Rachel Berry stitched along the bottom, exited the stall directly across from the one he was about to occupy.

The girl (whom he guessed was Rachel Berry) looked up at him and gave him a small smile in greeting.

Seeing this as a green light, he racked his brain for some form of bathroom humor that would effectively flirt his way into getting this girl’s number. He was on the verge of asking, “Come here often?” when the curtain of the shower the girl had just vacated was pulled back to reveal a slightly taller (but equally as attractive) blonde girl, also wrapped in a Rachel Berry towel.

When their eyes met, he did not receive a smile in greeting, but yet a look that quite obviously said quit checking out my girlfriend.

Taking the hint, he quickly stepped into his shower stall and was about to turn the faucet on when he heard one of the girls giggle out, “Rach, I thought you said no one would be in here this early.”

It’s halfway through the semester and Quinn assumes it’s just another ordinary day of higher education.

That is, until she enters the building housing her last class of the day and feels the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. Her ‘Berry-sense’ is tingling as Santana likes to say.

Quinn tries to shake off the feeling. She makes her way to her classroom and finds her now-usual seat.  She’s almost gotten over the little moment she had and the incredulous notion that Rachel Berry was in New Haven when a figure donning all black and a hood (and suspiciously the approximate height of Santana Lopez) slinks in, sets a stereo down at the front of the room, then immediately leaves.

Oh no. Quinn prays this isn’t what she thinks it is.  It can’t be. No, no, it can’t. Because Rachel Berry was in New York City. Not here in New Haven. Not striding confidently into the room and pressing a button on the stereo. This isn’t happening.

But it is.  And, yep, Rachel Berry is standing at the front of her class, belting out the Beatles’ ‘I Want to Hold Your Hand’ while staring at Quinn with an intensity that rivals Quinn’s ‘Never Can Say Goodbye’ performance.

And Quinn’s not stupid; Rachel’s message is clear. So when Rachel presents herself directly in front of Quinn, holds out her hand, and asks, “Quinn Fabray, will you be my girlfriend?”

All Quinn can say is, “You are so lucky I’m already in love with you.”

And she means it, because absolutely no one else would have gotten away with that.

“Quinn, I’ve been selected for a mission to save privates being held captive behind enemy lines. I don’t know how long it will take, or if I’ll make it back. This may be the last time we get to share a kiss.”

“I can’t believe you’re doing this again.”

“Quinn, you know very well that to spice up our sex life I like to incorporate themes from the movies we watch. Why do you act so surprised every time?”

“Oh, I don’t know, Rachel, maybe because we watched Saving Private Ryan. Not exactly a sexy flick.”

“You obviously haven’t grasped the full potential of my imagination, then.”

“Right. So let me get this straight. The ‘privates’ are…?”

“Your privates. Which are being held captive by the enemy, i.e. your underwear, and I must free them. I call it Saving Quinn’s Privates.”

“Clever. And what type of reward do you receive for completing this mission?”

“I can assure you, Quinn, in this case, the mission is the reward.”

The Rachel Berry House Party Train Wreck Extravaganza part II

Rachel: I’M HAAVING A PARRTYYY, A PARTY FOR TWO, NOT INVITING NOBOOODYYY, NOBODY BUT QUIINN…

Rachel: QUINN SHOOK ME ALLLL NIIIIGHT LOOOONG…

Rachel: LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX, QUINNIE, LET’S TALK ABOUT YOU AND ME…

Rachel: I’M GONNA LI-LI-LI-LICK QUINN FROM HER HEAD TO HER TOES…

Rachel: HEY, HEY YOU ALL NEED TO LEAVE NOW SO QUINN AND I CAN START OUR AFTER-PARTY. WE’RE GONNA LET’S GET IT ON À LA MARVIN GAAAAYE. GET IT. CAUSE WE’RE SO GAAAY. FOR EACH OTHER. OKAY SERIOUSLY GET OUT. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.

Puck: Wait, Quinn, is she serious? It’s only ten o’clock.

Quinn: If she’s not, I am. EVERYBODY OUT.

Rachel: QUINN’S SEX IS LIKE WHOA QUINN’S ASS IS LIKE WHOA QUINN’S BODY’S LIKE WHOA…

Rachel: POUR SOME SUGAR ON QUIIIN OOOH IN THE NAME OF LOVE…

Rachel: I SEE YOU QUINNIE SHAKIN’ DAT ASS SHAKIN’ DAT ASS…

Rachel: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HERE? THE FASTER YOU LEAVE THE FASTER QUINN CAN DO ME ON THIS STAGE.

After that night, the Glee club set two rules:

Rachel wasn’t allowed to host anymore parties. (Not counting her parties for two. Quinn made sure that was noted.)

And they could never take her to a karaoke bar.

Zombies

“Quinn’s looking especially lifeless tonight, Rachel. You should totally ask her out.”

“She’s the most beautiful zombie in town, Brittany. I wouldn’t stand a chance.”

“But, Rach, you’re the most talented zombie in town. And Quinn loves your voice.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. She absolutely dies every time you sing in Glee. You should perform a song for her.”

“I wouldn’t even know what to sing.”

“Something by the Grateful Dead. I hear she’s a huge Deadhead.”

“I don’t know if I could pull off the Grateful Dead. Any other suggestions?”

“You could try Disco.”

“Disco is dead, Brittany.”

“Exactly.”

A very excited Rachel Berry settles herself in the passenger seat of Quinn’s car.

“Quinn, I’m so excited for this road trip! This is going to be so much fun!”

Quinn can’t imagine what could be so much fun about a three hour car ride, but this is Rachel Berry.

“Yeah, Rach. Should be a blast.”

Before Quinn has a chance to back her car out of Rachel’s driveway [that sounds like it should be dirty], Rachel asks, “Should we move to the backseat now?”

Quinn is confused. “Uh—“

Rachel doesn’t notice. “I mean, I guess we could do it up here. If you lay your seat back, I can straddle—“

Quinn is slightly less confused. “Rachel! What are you talking about?”

Rachel looks at Quinn like she just asked who Barbra Streisand was. “You invited me on a ‘road trip.’”

“What’s with the air quotes?”

“Isn’t ‘road trip’ code for car sex?”

Quinn is no longer confused. “Yes. Yes, it is.”